Last night I wrote about the importance of having me time, in essence, time to just enjoy being in the present moment, without pressure or worry of the future or of the past. Tonight however I can't help but reflect on my past. I would never feel compelled to change anything in my past, besides the fact that the past is irreversible, I know that everything I've done and said in my past has led me to be the person I am today, and I'm quite alright with that.
As a kid I went through some tricky stages growing up, my family dynamic, my upbringing, my personality and the way I looked all affected me as I grew up and worked out who I actually was, it wasn't always an easy ride and if I could go back in time, I'd simply want to offer a should to cry on and a few encouraging words along the way.
If I could travel back and visit myself in different stages, this is how it would go.
11 Year Old Lexi
"Get the braces as soon as possible, they won't be on for long but they will change everything for you, also ignore what you hear the girls in the bathroom say, worse things will be said about you in the future, but they won't mean a thing either."
12 Year Old Lexi (Grade 8)
"Don't feel like you have to trade your brain for beauty or popularity, this is high school and what goes on here will make very little impact on your life post graduation, also, spend more time with the ginger girl and the quiet blonde, they are two of the best people you'll ever know."
13 Year Old Lexi (Grade 9)
"The pink eye shadow is a bad choice, and the company you are keeping is too, flick both as soon as possible! You'll experience some pretty intense girl shit in this time, hanging out with the boys is a good choice but just keep your cards close to your chest and work hard in your classes."
14 Year Old Lexi (Grade 10)
"You're not going to die alone, so one silly girl found a guy that likes her, you're 14 for crying out loud! You do not need to compare your life to others, you just have to be ok with the decisions YOU make!"
15 Year Old Lexi (Grade 11)
"You're starting to come in to your own now, this is good, I know it's scary but you're going to start to flourish, just stay true to yourself and talk to your mother! She's not the enemy, she's just trying to be your friend. Also, year 11 camp is fantastic, your dress for the Glad Bag Formal is killer!"
16 Year Old Lexi (Grade 12)
"He turns out to be a douche anyway, enjoy this time with your friends and stop fighting with your parents, they are actually amazing."
17 Year Old Lexi (First Year Out of School)
"Yes Landscape Architecture is a bad choice, yes it is ok to quit Uni and work for a year, no, that stupid boy you are dating is not you future husband, he's actually a giant rat and you should escape while you can."
(Toward the end of that year)
"Yes, well I told you so, I know it hurts, but I promise, if you go home and make up with your parents everything will be ok. Don't take his actions as a reflection on you, you are worth far more than he could ever dream of giving you and you will move past this. Self destruction is not a good idea."
18 Year Old Lexi
"Uni is great, clubbing is fun, but maybe ease up on the boozing. Yes I know, you were one of the last ones to get to go, but sleep is actually fantastic too! Also, stop going to Uni drunk, your grades should be better than this."
19 Year Old Lexi
"Loss is hard but you'll learn that it's a part of life, you need to make sure you are around for your family because they'll need you in this time. You are on track now with your studies and seem to be enjoying your classes keep it up, only one year after this and you'll have a degree!"
20 Year Old Lexi
"Congrats! You're a graduate, you've put in so much hard work you really should be proud, what a long way you've come!
I know it was a lot of work but just wait till you start working in the real world!
Yes sorry about that guy, and no this ones not any better, much worse but you'll learn a lot from this."
21 Year Old Lexi
"The world seems to be your oyster but you can't help but fill it with drama hmmm? Only a few more years and you'll grow out of it. I'm proud of you for starting your own business, hold on kid, it's going to be one hell of a ride!"
22 Year Old Lexi
"Oh you're feeling 22? Good, good! This is going to be an interesting year, you'll do a lot, you'll travel, you'll laugh and cry and question what you're doing. You'll wonder if you should pack it in and you'll start dreaming of plans to move to Sydney and start over, eventually you'll work out that isn't the answer and you'll come around. You'll have some crappy health stuff and it'll last for a few years on and off, but don't let it mess with you too much. This is a pretty intense year in terms of your work and your personal life fighting for supremacy and you'll question your self worth much more than you should. I'm afraid to say it gets worse before it gets better, but it does get better."
23 Year Old Lexi
This one hurts, I'm sorry for what is coming, but eventually when the scars heal you'll be happier that it's over. Take comfort in your friends, your family and the kindness of strangers. This will be a year that you will finally be strong enough to walk away from something that was never meant for you. Grow and learn, evolve yourself into the person you want to be, not just someone's something. Work hard on the business as this is the year that really tests you. At times you'll feel as though you've achieved nothing at all and at times you'll be astonished with all you have created. Embrace this year of change, of pain and of growth. You are strong enough.
24 Year Old Lexi
This is it, the year you learn to let go, this is the year you give yourself a creative brake and allow yourself to live a simpler life. You'll start paying off your debts and seeing what life is like when you're not constantly stressed about the future. You'll know where your next pay cheque is coming from and you'll know when your bills will be coming out. This is a year of huge personal growth and you'll change and mature into a new version of yourself, more sure of what you want and need in life and out of the people around you. This means you'll have to get rid of a few along the way, letting go of people who don't care for you will be hard and you'll question your self worth, but don't worry, because the people who really matter stick around and you end up with some pretty great new additions too.
Now I'm here, 25, wow.
Life has taught me that you can't always have it your way, there will be give and take and you will be pushed to your ultimate braking point. You will always overcome any diversity you're faced with, and with each year you'll set yourself new goals and strive toward them.
Just don't forget what I told you yesterday, look back at the past to remember the lessons you've learnt and look forward to see new goals you want to achieve, but always live in the present moment, because you're here.
xx
