Friday, February 1, 2013

Having a breakdown

We all have them, they sneak up on us when we least expect it and next thing you know your liquid eyeliner is running down your face as you burst into a fit of tears blubbering something reminiscent of "I can't do it, I can't do it".
Yesterday was my turn. A series of unfortunate events led to an all out explosion of emotion leaving me crying into some toilet paper with a sympathetic Bear (my bf) on the other side of a locked toilet door.
What started out as a conversation of the ridiculousness of this weeks pay packet (a result of only been given one four hour shift this week) turned into an argument (God knows how, I was feeling very fragile mind you) which led to a very uncentred yoga session followed by an all out breakdown.
I've been looking for a new casual job whilst I work on the label to ensure all my bills get paid regardless what sales the label makes. Problem is, I can't get one. Short of working for McDonalds or becoming a lady of the night it seems there are little to no vacancies out in the casual retail game. So why not do something else? Well sure I'd love to, but for every receptionist job out there, there's 10 other lovely ladies with reception skills applying for the same said job, and I'm no expert but one would think to hire a lass with experience over one without.
So here lies the first straw upon this little camels back, not broken, but extremely frustrated at having no money, it's something I've now been dealing with for a month. To say I'm over it would be an understatement. So what are the options? Why not go get a full time job? There's plenty of manager and assistant manager positions available?
So we digress to the second straw (I should point out now this is more a log than a straw), with a full time job I would have a lovely 38 hr/week roster, fantastic! Security of a contract, set rostered hours, sick pay and hopefully a job I love to do. Well that all sounds really fabulous but with stockists already feeling as though I am not producing enough stock (despite sewing 5 days a week) when would I get the chance to sew? I'm happy to work at night and on one of my days off but there's no way I'd be capable of creating enough stock to keep my current stockists let alone expand, so what's the answer? We'll come back to this...
Straw three, so I love my current casual job but it comes with its ups and downs, yesterday I was hit with a very low blow. As you might know I currently work in a boutique which stocks my label, all well and good, until someone says something that might just be a tiny bit offensive. I was assisting a lovely young lady yesterday looking for a dress for her 21st birthday, how nice indeed, she was also looking for a little crop top to match a highwaisted skirt she had purchased from another shop. Easy done I thought. Her taste ranged from an interest in the main stream labels as well as the young designers section. She picked pieces from all three young local girls (myself included) but in the end decided on a particular dress from another designer, not an issue. The colours were lovely but the craftsmanship was slightly lacking. However, we decided with a few pins, some Hollywood tape and a belt we could improvise and hide the pieces that were sewn in the wrong place and disguise that the design was an elastic waist (which she originally said she hated and didn't want). She had also kept one of my bodices to try with her new skirt and after much umming and arhing decided "it's not worth the money". Which I wouldn't have been offended by had the piece been expensive, or if the piece was badly made and didn't actually fit her. However, the bodice was a perfect fit and half the price of the dress (that didn't fit her and was not as well made) but it seems that she was in love with that dress, so despite its flaws it was worth it, but my humble bodice wasn't. Being told "no I don't like the style" or "I don't think it suits/fits me properly" is one thing, and those comments fly around all day about all of the clothes in the shop at some stage or another, and it's no big deal. I brush it off if a customer doesn't like my piece, it's no big deal, after all, I don't always like what they're wearing, but someone else will, that's fashion for you.
However being told I don't think this is worth the money, despite it being well made, by hand and being a one of a kind, it's not worth me parting with my dollars, well that kind of comment really hurts. I said "ok, no problems, let's just go with this dress and the belt" and I carried on with the sale. I didn't make a scene I just kept going on with my job for the rest of my shift, but a comment like that stays with you. It's like being slapped in the face and told you're not worth my time. I suppose it might be like getting dumped, not just dumped, but dumped for someone with a bad haircut and ratty shoes.
So here I was, locked in the bathroom, balling my puffy red eyes out, I'd been dumped by a customer, I was broke and I was so far into my own little dark hole I couldn't see any light at the end of it. I couldn't tell you what it was that finally broke me, but a comment of "of course there are jobs out there" sparked my brain to make a decision that I felt could solve all my issues.
Quit the label, stop the dreaming and just get on with it!
The idea clearly doesn't sit well with me, after all, who wants to give up on their dreams just to trade it in for a mediocre, easy life? Isn't easy just a little bit boring?
I seemed so determined last night that it was the only answer, despite my bf telling me I was nuts to quit now, I was so sure it was the right thing to do. Look at all the benefits! I'd have money, security, time on my hands, new clothes in my wardrobe, I'd finally have the money to travel overseas! Surely all those things would make me blissfully happy?
Maybe, for a while, but giving up on a dream is like baking a cake then throwing it straight into the bin. It just doesn't make sense. Sure you might need to go for a walk after you've eaten a slice of cake, but that's what it takes. A little hard work! Not giving in because you've been slapped in the face with a few fish along the way. Think not of the times life has pushed you down but of the times it's helped you climb higher. Two years ago I never would have imagined I would be stocked in a boutique in the Valley, or that I would make clothes that sell the same day I make them, or that I would be featured on the front page of the newspaper, but these are achievements that I've strived for and accomplished. They were all dreams, and now they're realities, so whatever life is ready to throw at me, I'll be standing up to the plate, ready to take it all on. After all, what's a life without a little adventure? Xx