Monday, June 16, 2014

A full stop.

I feel as though I am currently a full stop at the end of a very exciting chapter, in the book that is my life.
Problem is, I feel as though I have nothing notable to start to fill the blank pages of what comes next. I am, as it were, stuck, in a writers block about my life. Despite knowing I have a few very important life goals I'm working hard to achieve, they seem so far away, and built on so many if's buts and maybe's. I have nothing seriously short term that I can look to week to week and say "Yes I did this!" and for me that's a bit of an issue.
After running my business for three years and constantly struggling every week to make a name for myself and honestly just to keep my head above water, I got used to kicking goals every week. Every week I knew I needed to make a certain number of pieces to sell, I had markets to attend to, photo shoots to submit to blogs and magazines and shows to organise to showcase my wears and get my name out there.
Since giving up my business a few months ago things are quite different, I am now in a comfortable line of work, in a job which is good, I am in a relationship with a beautiful man and I am lucky enough to have some lovely friends to pass the hours by with. All of which is really lovely, but not entirely self fulfilling.
I hate myself for being so ungrateful for all of my blessings but I do find myself to be quite bored with my perfect little life.
All is well, and well is ordinary and well, ordinary just isn't me.
I have never been one to take the easy route and I've always strayed to do things outside the box, so imagine my conundrum when it dawns on me that my life now is really very "in the box."
I am a girl with big dreams, with lists and goals, because I love to challenge myself on a daily basis and feel like I'm not just wasting my time here on earth.
There are so many people I want to be and things I want to do, places I want to see and dreams I want to have, and all I'm doing with my little self is none of any of the above.
I want to be a performer, and anyone who knew me when I was young would know how much I love to entertain a crowd, I love to sing and to dance and to make people feel something from what I'm doing, yet I've never taken a singing lesson and I haven't performed since I was at high school.
I want to be a fashion designer, and fill my days with pattern making, sewing and photo shoots but I also need to be able to support myself.
I want to be a writer, and fill pages upon pages with a story that intrigues, that makes the reader laugh and cry and reflect on their life, but I haven't a clue what to write about.
I want to be an artist who showcases their work in a gallery and have people contemplate things over my use of colour and expression, yet I have no easel or brush.
I want to go to a country far less privileged then my own and help those in need. I want to know, that without a doubt I made a difference to another persons life because I was here and I helped, but I don't even have a passport.
I want to be someone, who closes their eyes at night and says "yes, I did this, I changed the world just a little bit today" but for no reason at all, I'm not yet that person, but I know for no reason at all, I will make this my reality, because it's something I need to do.
The hardest part about all my dreams is that I can make them a reality, but to make dreams your reality, you must throw caution to the wind, you must not be afraid to fall and you must be ready to pick yourself up after failing, right now however, I feel as though I'm still recovering from my last flight of fantasy and I need a few months to stick some feathers back into my wings, to get myself back on my feet and try to live a secure, normal life, at least for six months, maybe even a year or two, at least so I can buy a car that works and perhaps see a world different to my own.
I have no doubt that I will be a person that at least tries most of the above at different stages of my life, but as everyone keeps telling me, I am still young, there is still time, and I can do it all, but it doesn't all have to be done right now.